Are you like me and cringe everytimne the phone rings? It’s either someone you don’t really want to talk to, someone phoning up for money, someone trying to sell you something - or family.

Now family and friends is OK, but if you haven’t got the little screen which displays the phone number, you are often inclined to leave it and 1471.
Then you get the “the caller witheld the number and left wondering if it wasn’t an unwanted call, or someone phoning you urgently from some other place.

I think I have a plan, not a great one, but a plan. It’s a chance to get those cold callers back and spend a bit of somone elses money for them.

The phone rings and you start…

“This is a voice recognition answer phone. Please state if you are ‘family, friend, or other’”
If it’s family or friend, you can answer it safely.

If “other”, say “Please hold the line whilst I put you through”. Switch on the cassette recorder you’ve got placed by the phone and play about 20 seconds of a selected tune. I suggest something by The Carpenters or James Last - this sounds more authentic.

Then say “If this call is for payment of an outstanding bill, please say ‘Yes or No’. If the reply is ‘yes’, play more music, then say “I regret that I’m out of the country for an undetermined period of time, but please feel free to speak to my cat, as you have more chance of getting money out of him than you have out of me. If you wish to speak to Ginger, please say ‘yes or no’”.

Should their answer have been ‘no’, ask “Are you requesting me to partake in a survey or informing me of an offer which will be of huge benefit to my wellbeing and general lifestyle”. If they say ‘yes’, ask them to hold and their call will be answered. Play another 20 seconds of James Last’s classic rendition of ‘Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree’ and say hello.

Whatever the pitch is, just keep saying things like “really, that’s good - crikey - sounds a good deal”.
Let them go through the whole lot believing they have their sale done and dusted.

At the end, here’s the standard lines…
Gas Company “What a shame we haven’t got gas down our Lane”
Double Glazing “Pity, our Landlord only put new windows in last month”
Financial Loans etc “Do you think me going bankrupt last year would make any difference?”
Cable TV “I’d like to go ahead, when can you put the cables down here”.

Or in answer to all, just finish by saying you’re a house sitter from New Zealand.

It’s not going to stop unwanted calls, but it does give you some sense of wellbeing and satisfaction afterwards! I’ve done all the above and can vouch for it.