See what lays behind the Web Site, see the Staff at work, see the splender of an afternoon when I had nothing better to do.

Take a video tour down the Lane. ‘Without life, we’d be nothing’

You can see a page about the new Down the Lane Office HERE
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Firstly I should say it’s nothing against my Dentist, he’s the best and nicest one I’ve ever had plus I can’t fault his Treatment.

You see, my point is - why are all the mags so female orientated. They seem mainly made up of Gossip Magazines, something a bloke would probably enjoy reading, but doesn’t want to be seen doing so.

It must be that the average female is more considerate about what she does with her old reading matter and actually thinks ‘I’m going to the Dentist, so I’ll take a few old mags with me’.
Whereas the bloke just leaves all his old Mags around which invariably get chucked away on a bi-annual basis or his partner uses them to line the Cat Litter tray.

There is occasionally one of a slight interest like Country Homes or Kent Life, but you’re led to a false sense of security when you see the House Prices before realising they are in fact about 6 years old. It brings to mind the old Tommy Cooper joke, “Went to the Dentist today, read a Magazine, shame about the Titanic isn’t it”.

Like Hospital Waiting Areas, there are some other things to read. They’re the Books or Pamphlets where you can self diagnose the illness you have and plan your farewell Party. I went to have an X-Ray on my Spine last year and came away thinking I was pregnant.

Even a Trainspotting Magazine would relieve the mundaneness of guessing the other people in the Waiting Rooms occupations.

I guess Women do tend to visit a Dentist on a more regular basis than Blokes. They do the proper yearly check ups, whereas the Men leave it for 10 years and wonder why they only have half their teeth left and people leave the room when they get within ten feet of a person.

Some Dentists and Doctors now have TV in the Waiting Room though. The problem there lays that as you usually go to there between the hours of 9am and 5pm, you’re going to get all the DayTime TV stuff and it’s hard to pretend you don’t want to see the secret other wife of the nasty husband walk out from behind the wings to confront both of them and be booed and hissed by the Angelic Audience.

If I had a Waiting Room I’d furnish it with Brown Sofa’s with a few holes, a DVD Player with a selection of ‘Worlds worst ever Football Fouls’, a Doughnut Machine and a copy of Allotment Weekly.

That’s it - the niche - a Blokes only Dentist !
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I guess because of where I live and most of my holiday exploits include Mountains, Newcastle had always seemed to be ‘a part of a string of Cities in the furthermost part of North-East England’.

Owing to a match at the Oval just before, we arrived in the City two days prior to the Match which gave me a chance to have about 7 hours spare to walk around and find out what the City is all about. As most Northern Towns and Cities have gone through decent facelifts over recent years, I was expecting it to be nice and I was certainly looking forward to seeing the Architecture and various Bridges I had only seen on TV before.

We were lucky enough to have a Hotel right on the side of the River Tyne in the Cities Centre and the views from the Room were quite exceptional and overall it appeared ‘as seen on TV’.
But morning came, I arose early and off I went, camera in hand, on a walking around day.

My first port of call was St. James Park, home of Newcastle FC. I went there first only because I could see where it was from the Hotel and was interested to feel the atmosphere of a Club so deeply loved by it’s followers and respected by others.
Although very new, it did have that smell of ‘home’, a kind of meeting place for likeminded people wanting a sense of community.
On a sunny early morning, the Steel Girders and sheer size of the place threw out ‘legends’ !

After that, I aimed for the main City Shopping Centre, only a few meters away from the Stadium.
I found a very clean well laid out place, free of cars and loads of shops hidden away in renovated buildings of Newcastles great and proud past.
Sure, most are nationally known names, but set in the places they are and obviously under pretty strict planning permission, they all blend in well and make shopping a far easier exercise than other Cities I know.

But I guess the most inspiration and advertisement for a City in search of a new age comes from the views down at the River Tynes edge.
Artistically and thoughtfully built in amongst the old are structures which have become landmarks in their own rights.

The Millenium Bridge, although such a simple design, does exactly the job it’s supposed to do. It carries pedestrians over the River and lets Boats through when needed, but not in the standard fashion of ‘drawbridge’, more an ‘up and under’!

The huge Mill on the other side of the Millenium Bridge is now a Contempory Art Gallery. Although this art is not my cup of tea, I can see (as with the New Tate, London) that new put into old has a strange success side to it.

The third and largest new addition to the Newcastle River view is the New Sage Building. It’s hard not to think this is loosely based on a cross between Sydney Opera House and The Eden Project. But so what, it’s another feature adding to the City, another place for the community to come together and most of all, something else they can call their own.

All this may sound a tad patronising, but it isn’t. I think it could be the general stereotyped view of ‘The Southerners North’ going out the Window.
I was raised in an age when you were led to believe the South was where all the success and money was and the North was an Industrial, smokey and generally poor area.
If it was, it isn’t the case now and if anything, the North is showing us Southerners what can be done when you have history and pride in your veins.

As for the Match against Durham itself? Kent took the game to ‘Fortress’ Chester la Street and staged one the best performances that many, including myself, have seen, beating Durham by 83 runs.
Talking to some of the Durham fans, I came accross quite a few that were in fact Southerners who’ve moved up that way.
Every single one of them said they would never move back and all of those who said they were born in the North-East said they would never leave it!
Now all that remains is the Final at Lords on 16th. August and how can’t there be a Blog entry about that day to come!

I’ve been getting a bit of gip from the ears of late, so rather than burdening my Doctor and take her away from the mundane work of writing out Sick Notes on a Monday morning, went down to the local Supermarkets Pharmacy for some medication.
I asked the young attractive Pharmacist for the best Ear Drops there were for giving them a bit of a flush out.
She showed me two types, so I thought I’d read the instructions to get a good idea of what I was about to spend nearly £5 of my hard fought for cash.

It was at that moment that I remembered I hadn’t my reading glass’s with me and had to ask the poor young soul to read it out to me.
I had similar problems a few days back where the Argos Catalogue demands you have eyes of Goliath to read the code numbers at the bottom.
Anyway, all done and as I walked away thanked her for her help. Well, I think I thanked the right one - there were two of them - I think there were anyway.

Upon getting home, I found my reading glass’s and once again ran over the Instructions. Seemed quite easy, so I decided I could kill two birds with one stone; that is laying down on my side allowing the drops to sit around my ear drum and do the biz. I could then do the other one and have a total of 20 minutes having a rest as well.

No sooner had I placed myself on the Floor, when the Phone rang. I didn’t want to walk through to pick it up normally or the drops would come out,
so I thought the best way would be to walk to the Phone with my head to one side, pick it up and lay back down on the Floor again.

At this moment I forgot that I get occasional Vertigo and halfway through to the Sitting Room slowly keeled over to starboard and fell to the floor in a heap by the fireplace (bit like a Friday nights in Ashford High Street).

After half an hour all was done and I could go about my business. But before that, the person who tried to phone earlier rang back. It was the Broadband Provider ringing to find out whether or not my connection had been tweaked.
We had a two way conversation, mainly consisting of the word “Pardon” at both ends.

He had a broad accent and I’d forgotten to put my teeth in.

Oh well, as far as I know, the nose is OK and it’s a darned good thing I am strikingly good looking!

BTW - If the DVLA are reading this, I’m perfectly OK. I just take the occasional shortcut that’s all - over the Roundabouts.

I mince my way through to the Gardening Department and find the Mowers. Three out of four are the same price as the Net, but the one I want is £10 more.
I bear in mind before asking the question that often things are less expensive online, but as it can’t be delivered, I find it a bit odd.

After a discussion with the Sales Chap who obviously only works Sundays and at his age probably hasn’t ever seen a Lawnmower before (although he was smart and polite), I get the Manager come over.

He says he can’t do a ‘match price’ on items sold on the Internet. I explain that the fact I wanted to look at it first, but he informed me that to get the £199 price, I would have to drive home, buy it on the Net, then return to the Store to pick it up!

I had £200 cash on me. I told him that, but it made no odds “Can’t match prices on the Net atall Sir”.

It’s my conclusion that I, as a good Citizen wanting to finance local business, this would be good. The Store gets the credit for the Sale, that makes more profit and Sales for the Staff there and it’s not shut down in two years which some may well do.
I usually buy on the Net for the cheaper reason, but unless I’m sure about a product I won’t.

So ‘No Sale’. I left that Store, went off to another very popular one, found a better Mower (not on the Net because it was a Sale item to that Store alone) and within one hour was happily cutting the grass with an efficient sweet sounding Lawnmower.

Now, you may think ‘What about the Honda?’ ( see here ) which I so majestically repaired last year. Well, the Gaffer Tape, bit of one by one, the string sowing of the grassbox etc. finally gave way to the main frame suddenly splitting.
The last Mower was indeed a better one than the new one in many ways, but that was brought for cutting other peoples lawns as well as mine, so this must now do. But it’s not bad.

Oh well, that’s the short holiday I was having at the end of the Cricket Season gone out the window and the Strimmer which now sounds somewhere between a too highly tweaked 50cc Moped and a rampant Wasp will also have to stretch it’s life by some month’s.
But by not buying my one Mint Aero a week anymore, I can pay the Mower off in only eight years.

I shall now go up the garden and cry.

It’s strange how there are things which you tend to take more notice of as the years roll by. One of my Grandfathers fought on the Somme for the duration of the First World War and my other Grandfather, following spells in Gallipoli and Eqypt, finished the War in Lille.
I have always admired those who were there, especially those who gave the ‘ultimate sacrifice’ and have read a lot about it. But it’s only recently that I’ve actually been to visit some of these places

From a frugal point of view, I can link the visits in with day shopping trips to France and Belgium and it’s only the cost of an extra 100 miles or so and entrance fees to any Museum (usually very inexpensive).

Last time I went over I took a walk on Dunkirk Beach to see and feel the atmosphere of the WW2 evacuation. This time we ventured over to Ypres (leper) to visi two WW1 front line scenes which have been preserved as good reminders of senseless Wars caused by Politicians who know best!

Hill 62, Sanctuary Wood is about three miles south of Ypres on the Menin Road. Upon arriving, it’s quite hard to imagine the reality of what happened nearly 100 years ago. The Woods and fields have regrown, it was a beautiful sunny day, the birds were singing; all in all a complete reverse of what it was like then, when every shred of green had been blown apart by Shells which raged 24 hours a day for nigh on four years. It just confirms though that even Battlefields can’t beat nature, only on a temporary basis anyway.
In some ways it’s a place you need to visit on a dismal day to get the full atmosphere maybe.

Sanctuary Wood was named that because during the early War years, it was a way behind the front line and a place for Servicemen to take refuge. But as time went on and the front lines of the Ypres Salient Battlefield changed, because of it being on a hill top, it became a stragetic ‘must’ for both sides. The shell holes remain as do a few tree stumps still showing bullet holes in them.

All around are little wooden crosses left by Visitors, even in the long and dark underground tunnels, people have paid their respect.
You can see why. From what I can imagine it to have been like, the noise and human destruction going on must have been horrific.
To the day they died, neither of my Grandfathers ever spoke about it, not once.

The Museum, although quite small, has a lot to offer; many photographs and ‘artifacts’ dug up post war. There are some old 3D viewers for you to look through and see hundreds of photographs, they don’t show any form of censorship (if it’s called that) and some of them portray some extremely disturbing scenes of sadness and death.

A few meters down the Road is the Military Cemetary designed by Sir Edward Luyten, it is like the many hundreds of others all over France and Belgium, very symretical, clean and spotlessly kept by the War Graves Commission.
How we look after them is a merit to the Commission and long may they live on.

I’ve visited quite a few Military Cemetries from both the World Conflicts and there hasn’t been one yet where I haven’t shed a tear in. The fact is that only a few graves have the names of the person who is in them and some have up to six Servicemen in each. A typical wording on the stones ends with ‘Known to God’.
You imagine these young men saying brave farewells to their loved ones and that would have been their final moment of peace, the train rolling out the Station, the waves, the tears, the Boat crossing to France or Belgium and the sound of Battlefields getting closer with every step.
What must have been going on in their minds? then to think there are still situations like that going on today.

However, should you ever be that way to or from somewhere and especially if you have kids, take time out to visit these places. It took me a long time to do so and I regret that now.

Indeed, we must never forget.

You can see some WW1 photo’s and artifacts of my Grandfathers by visiting these pages on my Genealogy site (yet to be completed).
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Here are my main credentials.

1. I have one of his Digi Boxes.

2. He wouldn’t have to worry about me taking time off for the Dentist, because I haven’t any teeth.

3. I am a natural motivator, especially when it’s time for bed.

4. He doesn’t have to worry about a Company Car or huge Petrol allowances, because I’d use my Bus Pass.

5. I am an expert in Profit & Loss. I can turn a £100 profit into a £200 loss in a matter of hours.

6. I am an excellant Team Member. Pub Quiz nights are my speciality.

7. He doesn’t have to worry about any relationships. I haven’t had one for so long, I’d need an Instruction Manual.

8. I thrive in a efficient workplace environment. The Bank Staff are really spot on in sending out the overdraft charges.

9. I support Southampton FC, so this would give Sir Alan a good laugh on a Monday morning.

10. I can spot Staff Weaknesses well. It’s No.2 For Coffee with Sugar and No.3 for Hot Chocolate.

So there you have it. Add to the above little things like he’s only got to worry about a Private Pension for four and a half years, the lights in his Office will not reflect off any hair gel and his Carrots, because I can supply ample Chicken dropping manure for the rest of his life.

Anyway, I don’t really mind not being in the final qualifiers. I’m quite happy sitting on my Sofa attempting with great patience not to throw a brick at the TV whilst some youngster holds a Pen asking what’s it for, whilst another one has problems working out 10% of £1 and the inevitable Candidate who wants ten Meetings before deciding if he wants to go to the Toilet or not.

The Apprentice is on BBC1, Wednesdays.
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Just one final thing. Why do all the women want blokes who’ve lost their Electric Shavers, hardly ever smile, can’t Cook and often tell huge porkies to win?

As with everything in life, the day went about as smoothly as a Grand Airport opening Gala.
First I had to print off the Application Form which is on the Local Borough Councils Website. This bemused me as it said 2007/8. After a scan through the following wording, I found a bit which said that owing to the new Application procedure not arriving from the Central Government Base, we could use last years form.
This actually means that no one knows how to open a Word Document and change the 7 to 8 and the 8 to 9.

Never mind, off I go.

The next part of my exciting day led me to a Department Store to have my Photograph taken. This was interesting as it’s only when you sit down inside the thing that you can see the Instructions which start off with ‘1. Go inside and Sit down’.
The last time I had one of these done, it took 4 photo’s and you sat there fighting a sudden itchy nostril trying not to blink at the same time.
It was only after I heard the sound of something dropping in the tray outside that I realised it had in fact finished.

So off to the Council Office. I know how hard these poor Receptionists work and have genuine sympathy for all the hassle they get off some people, so I made myself known with appropriate smile and greeting.
I gave her the Form and Photographs. Oh dear, as it happened, I didn’t have a pair of Scissors on me and this obviously caused great concern from the other side of the highly polished Formica Desk Top.

I thought I’d break the ice a bit, “Now, you may have a problem here. My photograph in the Passport is actually 6 years old and since then I’ve had some new teeth put in and that’s why I look younger than I did then”.
Oh well, it was worth trying and it was 2pm. “It’ll take approximately 3 weeks Mr. Cannon. Should you in that time have to make any Bus Journeys, your fares will be re-imbursed in return of a valid ticket”.

Easy, that was it. It would seem I came over to her as someone who’d escaped for the afternoon and this was confirmed to her when I walked out the wrong door and found myself in an Architects Office. I couldn’t help it, it was the same coloured door and anyhow, he was probably only designing a new Public Toilet with an admission fee of £3.50.

I was quite happy about getting that done and in joyous celebration, spent some of my £5 spending money on a Mint Aero which was a mistake because they took it out of a Fridge and I couldn’t chew it.

When I got home I opened a letter from my Pension Company. Good news, I’ve had a 2.5% cost of living increase. Hurrah, then I thought about how much it cost to fill my Car up with Petrol on the way home.

Doesn’t quite add up all this does it!

First Superstore “I’m afraid we don’t actually stock that one here Sir. We can get it to you in 5 days at a cost of £18.95 delivery”. I explained I would rather have it today and would try somewhere else.

Second Superstore, “We don’t actually stock any of the Ovens here. It would take about 7 days and a delivery cost of £23″.

Both also explained the extra delivery charge should I state and day and time (one £5.75, the other £7.50)

Whilst in the vicinity, I thought I’d pop over to that ‘very big and famous DIY Store as I’m looking for a small Shed to use as an Office.
So, into the Gardening Section I go and can’t see any. ‘Ah, must be in the Building section’. That’s at the other end of the Store and a Bus ride away.
I look around there, nothing. So I ask the Chap who’s trying to move a Paving Slab twice the weight of him and he informs they are actually in the Garden Section.
So back I go again and this time walk up and down every nook and cranny - can’t see any.

At last I find someone to help me. “Have you Garden Sheds” I ask in my usual polite manner. “Yes, follow me” comes the answer.
After another 45 minute trek through ‘Stackem High Paint Tins detouring the Easter Holiday blighters, we arrive at the Information Desk where she gets me a Cataloque. “There you are Sir”. I ask “Don’t you have any to look at here?”. “No Sir, they’re flat packed and stocked in our Warehouse. Delivery takes approximately 7 - 10 working days and there’s an £18 delivery charge”.

Now, call me old fashioned, but there are some things you want to buy which you want to look at first, Sheds being one of them. Or am I being just stupid?
Also I’d have thought; £167 Flat Pack 6′ x 4′ Shed, widest part 4′ wide - nice and easy sale, pop it on the Roof Rack or between the kids eating their Happy Meal in the back of a 4 x 4 and Bob’s your Uncle!!

No!

Oh well, tail below me, I return home and go back to my friendly PC. Find the same Oven, £15 less Retail, £4.95 delivery charge with am or pm options and arrives in two days !!

Although I can’t afford the Shed yet, but same Company, same price, £4.95 delivery charge and a five day delivery stating am or pm!

So my conclusion is that if you want to buy anything more than the size of a Microwave, buy it on the Internet - it’s cost effective and saves you driving around Town using up expensive Petrol, saves a six mile walk around the Stores excluding the Car Park when you could be sitting in your Garden amusing yourself by waiting for the Cat to doze off and fall off the Sun Lounger you should be sitting on anyway!.

16.02hrs - A massive search for missing Ginger the Cat got underway. He was found some two minutes later asleep in the Airing Cupboard on a Duvet only washed the previous day. Once found, he was put outside for a pee.

16.32hrs - The temperature plummeted to -1 degrees, one degree below freezing, but swift action of running to the nearby wood store wearing gloves, two pieces of 4″ x 4″ were retrieved for the Rayburn.

16.45hrs - Panic struck when it was found the 4″ x 4″ had in fact been treated with Wood Preservative and there was no option but to open a window to let the poisonous fumes escape to the Ozone Layer which, it was hoped, would increase Global Warming enough to melt the snow by the time I had to feed the Chickens.

17.15hrs - The neighbours decided to dare the weather and go out in their Car. Luckily their vehicle had sufficient grip to navigate the Lane at a mere 37 mph, 20mph slower than usual and only 27 mph above the imposed 10 mph speed limit.

17.56hrs - Finally, the snow eased off, Cat Big Ron came home with a Rat in his mouth and due to the cold, brought it in before eating it on the Kitchen Floor and I realised I had missed the Delia Smith TV Programme which I wasn’t going to watch anyway.

Outside the Lane, it was business as usual. The Public Transport System which had only 6 days prior notice of the weather, went into normal mode of cancellations using believable excuses such as “Driver mistook Train for large Bungalow with wheels on it” etc.

Sadly for the workers of this Country, most of it had cleared up by Monday morning and gone were the expectations of phoning in to say they were snowed in.
But those who did go in will have no doubt have been debating as to who had the most amount to clear off the top of their Car before they came out.

Come the evening and BBC South East rose to it’s usual heights of local Spectacle with scenes of kids sledging down a slope in Calverley Park, Tunbridge Wells.

T-Shirts with the Slogan, ‘I survived the April 2008 Snowstorm’ will be available shortly.