Terrible joke thread

[Panteg Produce]

What's the first sign of madness?

Suggs coming up your drive.

[redoak]

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, 'What'll you have?'

The guy answers, 'A scotch, please.'

The bartender hands him the drink, and says 'That'll be five dollars,' to which the guy replies, 'What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.'

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, 'You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.'

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, 'Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.' The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, 'What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!'

The guy says, 'What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!' The bartender replies, 'I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.' To which the guy replies, 'Thank you. Make it a scotch.'

[paddy graham]

[Panteg Produce]

[Panteg Produce]

I went to the cemetery yesterday, and there were four pall bearers walking around with a coffin.
Three hours later, they were still walking around with it.


I thought to myself: 'Those so and so's have lost the plot.'

[redoak]

Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They say down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose. Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, “Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them.” Murphy said, “Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me.”

[p.penn]

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay very ill. The doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news -the only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
The NHS will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '£5,000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask -
'Why does the male brain cost so much more?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'

[Totally Scrambled]

Helen,
I don't get that one
Dom

[HappyBob]

Helen,
I don't get that one
Dom

I think the jist of it is that while the brains were in their owners the female used hers (while she was alive) while the male brain in its original owner didnt use his much much So now the brains are for sale the used one is cheaper ...

[HappyBob]

While on the subject of men and women.......

[HappyBob]

I was shopping around Tasda with our lass the other day, I put a case of Stella in the basket, she said "what yer doing" I said "Its a case of Stella on offer only ten quid" she said you can put that back we cant afford it. A couple of aisle down she put some face cream in the trolly, I said what you doing she said "its on offer, only twenty quid and makes me look beutifull" I said "so does 24 cans of Stella and there half the price"

[Steve the Gas]

[redoak]

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite - and, furthermore, always carry a small snake.

[ChrisG]

[paddy graham]

Paddy won a round the world trip but refused to take the prize because he had no way of getting back.
Then he damaged his health by drinking milk,the cow fell on him.
And his dog had a flat nose through chasing parked cars.