Terrible joke thread

[silverback]

An Irish woodworm was found dead in a brick!..

[silverback]

Two cannibals eating a missionary:

First one say's........ " how you doing?"
Second one say's.... " I'm having a ball!"
First one replies..... "your'e eating to fast!!"

[p.penn]

I really like the woodworm one!

Ok - you have to read this one out loud otherwise you won't get it.

Man goes into a bar with a giraffe. He asks the barman for a pint for himself and one for the giraffe. Although a little bemused, the barman serves them their drinks.

A few minutes later, their glasses were empty and the man orders another 2 pints.

And later another......

...and another, until the giraffe's legs give way and he collapses next to the man on the floor.

The man gets up off his stool, and staggers towards the exit, and the barman yells - 'OI, come back! You can't just leave that lying there in my bar'

The man replies...



















...it's not a lion it's a giraffe.

[Mad Chick]

[redoak]

I sent my wife in for plastic surgery - they cut her credit cards in half.

[silverback]

A dyslexic skier new to the sport and ready to ski down the piste asked a man watching,

"excuse me mate, when sking down the hill do you zig zag down, or zag zig down?",
the man replies "sorry pal I don't know!, I'm a toboganist!"
the skier say's "wow that's handy, give us 20 bensons and a box of matches!"..

[Panteg Produce]

I have created a repulsive half man, half marine mammal that has disturbed me to the very core. Oh, the humanatee.


A wife asks her husband, a software engineer; "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six!"
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

[redoak]

[paddy graham]

An Irish woodworm was found dead in a brick!..

Bit off more than he could chew eh?

[Panteg Produce]

My doctor tells me I have a vengeance complex.

We'll see about that....

[Panteg Produce]

The taxman has taken over Ibrox and decided that it will be renamed as The Inland Revenue Arena ... The IRA for short...... Although it's only provisional at the moment.....

[Panteg Produce]

The Roman Catholics have decided that they need to get with the electronic generation, and are planning to launch an electronic payment system with all the prophets ploughed back into the church. Its selling point is that it will get everything right all the time, and it will be called Papal Infallibility.

[redoak]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'

Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands .'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

[Steve the Gas]

[Panteg Produce]

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the oven until it's Bill Withers