Down the Lane

A young man walks up to a shellfish stall and asks "How much are crabs?"
The man relies " £3.50 each!"
The young man say's "shake hands with a millionaire!!"

A man walks into a pub and orders himself a beer and sits down at a table to enjoy it. However no sooner has he sat down when a lady in a short skirt hovers at his table and breaks wind right above the mans beer. So the man says "Hey Mrs are you a javelin thrower? " The lady says "What do you mean? "

The man says " Well you just Fartinma Whitbread "

What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?
An egg!!!

sorry i posted a double yolk!!!!!!

Oh groan!

Really sorry - thought you had posted twice and so deleted one!! Now it makes no sense whatsoever.

What's a frog's favourite drink?

Croak-a-cola!

Guy takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"He's got awfully crossed eyes, I'm worried his vision is impaired" said the guy.
Vet inspects the dog and replies "I'm going to have to put him down"
"poo, are they that bad?" asks the owner.
"No, he's heavy."

A Drunk Man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The Priest replies,

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The Drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned, " Then returned to his paper.

The Priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The Drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Have we done this one yet?

My wife's been missing for a week and the police have told me to expect the worst.
So I went to the charity shop and got her clothes back.

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

'I went to visit my Nana'.

No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.
Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done
'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.

She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.
You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done?
'I read a book' he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.

'What book did you read?'



( I love this...)



Alex thought real hard about it,
then puffed out his chest with great pride,
and said,
'Winnie the poo'

Oheckitseck wrote:A man walks into a pub and orders himself a beer and sits down at a table to enjoy it. However no sooner has he sat down when a lady in a short skirt hovers at his table and breaks wind right above the mans beer. So the man says "Hey Mrs are you a javelin thrower? " The lady says "What do you mean? "

The man says " Well you just Fartinma Whitbread "

Panteg Produce wrote:A Drunk Man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The Priest replies,

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The Drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned, " Then returned to his paper.

The Priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The Drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."