Down the Lane

My neighbour said to me “A problem shared, is a problem halved.”
So i’ve just dumped some old asbestos in his front garden.

very funny

"Come on love your doing well, now PUSHHHH!! and again PUSHHH!!!! ok now take a deep breath and BREATHHHHHH one more love BREATHHHH ok your nearly there I,m so proud of you one big one now and its all over PUSHHHHHHHH your there well done.










Of all the bloomin hills to break down at the bottom of

My Mrs was chuffed to bits yesterday morning when i told her i was taking her out for tea and biscuits, she was a bit miffed about giving blood though!....

I was watching a bloke fishing on a canal near us last week, I said to him "you,d never catch me doing that"

The bloke repleid "Really, why not?"

I said "for starters you,d need a much bigger hook and stronger line"

I was in pub last night with my mate, during the evening he went to toilet but left his phone on the table and it started ringing.

I reconised the number as our lasses, so I answered it.

"Hello" I said.

"Hello sexy, how do fancy coming over for a passionate hour or two?" she said.

I said "love to, but why didnt you just ring my phone?"

HappyBob wrote:I was watching a bloke fishing on a canal near us last week, I said to him "you,d never catch me doing that"

The bloke repleid "Really, why not?"

I said "for starters you,d need a much bigger hook and stronger line"

I had to read that twice.....

And how”s yer wife, Pat? “Sure, she do be awful sick.” “Is ut dangerous she is?” “No, she’s too weak’t be dangerous anymore!”

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

I think my neighbour had something to do with electing a new pope.

Either that or his head gaskets gone?

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter,
"but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ..."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and
repeated the question to him.
"Dat's simple cried paddy, it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed,
"Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know
it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"





"To be sure it’s because he lives in a clock!"

I visited my friend last night to see his new pet and you could have knocked my down with a feather! He had a 6ft parrot

Who brings the present for the chickens at Yuletide?
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Feather Christmas of course!!


Bad Joke inspired by Santa et al at the top of the forum