Down the Lane

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Q: what do they call a Judge with no fingers?

A: Justice Thumbs

I played cards with a couple of lepers last night, one threw his hand in, the other laughed his head off.

One failed their driving test also.................... left his foot on the clutch.

Steve the Gas wrote:One failed their driving test also.................... left his foot on the clutch.

Steve thats terrible !

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast

I'll get my coat !

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the tea each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our tea."
The husband said, " You're in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my tea."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the tea."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . . . . "HEBREWS"

Just proves women don't like getting.... up.

I work for the Samaritans. Tried to call in sick this morning but they talked me out of it

As a dyslexic plumber, can I just say how disappointed I was by the Chelsea Shower Flow

During last weeks riots, Paddy and Murphy broke into Ladbrokes and lost £50

Why are there no TV's in Afghanistan? Because of the teleban....

When I saw all those thugs rioting on the Tottenham high street I knew I had to find somewhere safe to hide where they wouldn't go . I'm in the job centre.

Just seen a chav running off with an arm full of Chicken Tikka Masala. Think he got confused when his mates said they were robbing Currys.

The gay village in Manchester is well alight, emergency response has been terrific. Already there is a fireman, policeman, construction worker and red indian at the scene.

A quartet of men in heraldic costume has been fined after they were caught luting in Hampton Court Palace.

Daffy Duck calls the hotel desk & asks for a condom. They ask "Shall we put it on your bill?"...He says "Are you thupid! I'll thuffocate!"

What did the skeleton order with his drink?




















A mop.