Terrible joke thread

Jokes, word games, fun thread. NO DIRTY JOKES !
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p.penn
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by p.penn »

I went to a Chinese restaurant and a duck came over to my table with a red rose in his mouth and said 'I love you'

I called the waiter over and complained as I had ordered a-romatic duck.

{rofwl}
Helen xx

3 children, 3 grandchildren, 3 chooks, 3 fish, a shrimp that thinks its a prawn and a dappy dog.
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sandy
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by sandy »

LOve it {rofwl}
The Pink Ladies..Audrey,Ingrid-Bergman,Georgia,Madeleline,Norma-Jean,Dora & Janice
The Peds…Suranne,Jennifer,Nancy,
Vorky ,Blueped,Ginger,Ninger &Linky

Sunny Clucker was ere July 12-21 2012
Sunny Clucker was ere July 6 2016 to Sept 9th 2017
Sunny Clucker is here , rehomed Aug 18th 2018/
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HappyBob
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by HappyBob »

A ship carrying a cargo of yo yo,s hit an iceberg, apparently it sunk 57 times :-D
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by HazellB »

Took my pet koi to the fishmongers as they advertised fabulous fishcakes in the window. Well, it was his birthday ....
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JohnnyGrumpus
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by JohnnyGrumpus »

How many Spanish men does it take to change a lightbulb?

.........Just Juan
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p.penn
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by p.penn »

What is the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?


People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people from Abu Dhabi Do.

{rofwl}
Helen xx

3 children, 3 grandchildren, 3 chooks, 3 fish, a shrimp that thinks its a prawn and a dappy dog.
http://www.acountrygrandma.blogspot.com
Trev62
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by Trev62 »

Thought it maybe time to resurrect this old thread for the lighter side of life :-D

Two tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanhyfryddawelllehynafolybaarcudprindanfygythiadtrienusyrhafnauole, they stopped for lunch and one tourist asked the waitress: "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?"

The waitress leaned over and said: "Burrr-gurrr Kinngg ..."
"Not all those who wander are lost"
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by Trev62 »

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .................

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
"Not all those who wander are lost"
Trev62
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by Trev62 »

A wife is sitting on the couch drinking wine with her husband and says 'I love you'.
He says is that you or the wine talking?
She says it's me -....but I'm talking to the wine...
"Not all those who wander are lost"
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sandy
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by sandy »

Keep em coming Trev )like(
The Pink Ladies..Audrey,Ingrid-Bergman,Georgia,Madeleline,Norma-Jean,Dora & Janice
The Peds…Suranne,Jennifer,Nancy,
Vorky ,Blueped,Ginger,Ninger &Linky

Sunny Clucker was ere July 12-21 2012
Sunny Clucker was ere July 6 2016 to Sept 9th 2017
Sunny Clucker is here , rehomed Aug 18th 2018/
Trev62
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by Trev62 »

A man rang up a local builder and said, ‘I wanna skip outside my house.’

The builder replied, ‘I’m not stopping you!’
"Not all those who wander are lost"
Trev62
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by Trev62 »

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is!!
"Not all those who wander are lost"
Trev62
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by Trev62 »

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now.”
"Not all those who wander are lost"
Trev62
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by Trev62 »

Love this Japanese Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
"Not all those who wander are lost"
Trev62
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by Trev62 »

Two policemen call the station on the radio.

"Hello is that the Sarge?"
"Yes"
"Sarge, we have a case here where a woman has just shot and killed her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean"
"Have you arrested the woman?"
..
..
..
..
..
"No Sarge, the floor is still wet!!"
"Not all those who wander are lost"
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