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Re: Terrible joke thread

PostPosted: 16 Jan 2014, 20:40
by p.penn
I went to a Chinese restaurant and a duck came over to my table with a red rose in his mouth and said 'I love you'

I called the waiter over and complained as I had ordered a-romatic duck.

{rofwl}

Re: Terrible joke thread

PostPosted: 19 Jan 2014, 00:28
by sandy
LOve it {rofwl}

Re: Terrible joke thread

PostPosted: 19 Jan 2014, 02:53
by HappyBob
A ship carrying a cargo of yo yo,s hit an iceberg, apparently it sunk 57 times :-D

Re: Terrible joke thread

PostPosted: 28 Mar 2014, 11:02
by HazellB
Took my pet koi to the fishmongers as they advertised fabulous fishcakes in the window. Well, it was his birthday ....

Re: Terrible joke thread

PostPosted: 26 Jun 2015, 17:40
by JohnnyGrumpus
How many Spanish men does it take to change a lightbulb?

.........Just Juan

Re: Terrible joke thread

PostPosted: 03 Oct 2015, 14:43
by p.penn
What is the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?


People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people from Abu Dhabi Do.

{rofwl}

Re: Terrible joke thread

PostPosted: 22 Jan 2017, 16:00
by Trev62
Thought it maybe time to resurrect this old thread for the lighter side of life :-D

Two tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanhyfryddawelllehynafolybaarcudprindanfygythiadtrienusyrhafnauole, they stopped for lunch and one tourist asked the waitress: "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?"

The waitress leaned over and said: "Burrr-gurrr Kinngg ..."

Re: Terrible joke thread

PostPosted: 23 Jan 2017, 17:45
by Trev62
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .................

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

Re: Terrible joke thread

PostPosted: 24 Jan 2017, 18:37
by Trev62
A wife is sitting on the couch drinking wine with her husband and says 'I love you'.
He says is that you or the wine talking?
She says it's me -....but I'm talking to the wine...

Re: Terrible joke thread

PostPosted: 24 Jan 2017, 23:30
by sandy
Keep em coming Trev )like(

Re: Terrible joke thread

PostPosted: 25 Jan 2017, 15:39
by Trev62
A man rang up a local builder and said, ‘I wanna skip outside my house.’

The builder replied, ‘I’m not stopping you!’

Re: Terrible joke thread

PostPosted: 26 Jan 2017, 19:26
by Trev62
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is!!

Re: Terrible joke thread

PostPosted: 27 Jan 2017, 18:46
by Trev62
Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now.”

Re: Terrible joke thread

PostPosted: 28 Jan 2017, 19:11
by Trev62
Love this Japanese Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Re: Terrible joke thread

PostPosted: 31 Jan 2017, 21:27
by Trev62
Two policemen call the station on the radio.

"Hello is that the Sarge?"
"Yes"
"Sarge, we have a case here where a woman has just shot and killed her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean"
"Have you arrested the woman?"
..
..
..
..
..
"No Sarge, the floor is still wet!!"