Down the Lane

Paddy and Murphy are on a cruise ship.
Paddy says ' it's awfully quiet on deck tonight'.
Murphy says ' Everybody will be watching the band'
Paddy says, 'There isn't a band playing tonight'.
So Murphy says, " I definitely heard someone say ' a band on ship'"

Brilliant trev, more please

The Roads Service warning said anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing, including a scarf, hat, gloves, 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock-salt, a torch, a tow rope, a petrol can, a first aid kit, and jump leads. I looked a right prat sitting on the bus this morning.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

3 bears on an ice floe.
Daddy Bear says "I've got a tale to tell"
Mummy bear says "I've got a tale to tell"
Baby bear says "my tail's told"

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and growls menacingly, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Why just because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy".

I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

Loving these

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether
or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup
and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because
it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed
near the window?"

Looked out of the window this morning and saw a man driving a tractor. He was leaning out of the window, waving frantically, shouting 'The end is nigh, we are all doomed'.

Must have been Farmer Geddon

My mate Paddy called me today and asked, "What's the 2nd largest state in America?"
"Texas" I replied.
30 seconds later I got a message saying, "What's the 2nd largest state in America?"

I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?”
She said, "How flexible are you?”
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays".

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40

I just got hit by a pot of Omega 3 pills. Luckily my injuries are only Super Fish Oil.