Down the Lane

LittleBrownFrog wrote:Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

Gentleman of unspecified ethnic origin" on Mastermind" answering questions on Star Trek.

Gets them all right except for one.

Presenter informs him of this and states that the name of the Captain of the Enterprise is in fact James T Kirk

No says the contestant - it is "Slog"

After some argument the presenter insists that they have checked and the answer is James T Kirk.

COntestant replies...

"Well in that case why does he start each week by introducing himself....... Captain Slog Stardate"


Ill get my coat

I knew I shouldn't have gone to a cheap eye surgeon. They're always cutting corneas...

tiameg wrote:I knew I shouldn't have gone to a cheap eye surgeon. They're always cutting corneas...

They probably see you coming

I dropped the mother in-law's urn today, and my wife went mad at me. I want to say sorry, but think i'll wait for the dust to settle.

I just arrived home to find a pretty woman grouting the bathroom wall & singing "It's a heartache, nothing but a fools game!" I thought to myself "She's a Bonnie Tiler."

A boss asked one of his employees, 'Do you believe in life after death?'
'Yes, sir,' replied the new employee.
'I thought you would,' said the boss. 'Yesterday after you left to go to your brother's funeral, he stopped by to see you.'

Some good ones up there ^^^^^

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."

That computes

My pal rang me on my mobile the other day, he said, "Are you OK? What are you doing at the moment?"
"Yes I'm OK" I replied," I'm probably failing my driving test at at the moment!"

I said to my Gymnastic instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next... He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, ‘WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus...Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him.

He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it ...circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.