Down the Lane

BE WARNED & BEWARE OF PENSIONERS

Banned from ALL TESCO’s SUPERMARKETS

Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local TESCO’s
store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was
in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog..

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t,
because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I
woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with
my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me......... I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an
Irish Setter's backside and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. I'm now banned from TESCO’s. Better watch what you
ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of
daft things to say.

AND HERE'S ANOTHER ONE


I just took a leaflet out of my letterbox
informing me that I can have s.ex at 72.

I'm so happy, because I live at number 84.
So I don’t have to cross the road and

it's not too far to walk home afterwards.

£1.99 SPECIAL
If you are a senior you will understand
this one, if you deal with seniors,
this should help you understand them
a little better,
and if you are not a senior yet........
God willing, someday you will be......

The 1.99 Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant, where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for £1.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
Then, I'll have to charge you £2.50 because you're ordering a la carte, the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs? my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..

'How do you want your eggs? the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell, my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
We've been around the block more than once!

STUD ROOSTER
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
And I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
When he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squalking
And running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Dammit.....
Third gay rooster I bought this month.
Moral of this Story? .... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery Always overcome youth and arrogance!

Hey Maggie now i know why your as quick as a whippit on the word games Lindaxx

Old Jim was sick and in the hospital.
There was one nurse that just drove him crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,
And how are we doing this morning,or Are we ready for a bath, or Are we hungry.

Old Jim had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day, Old Jim took the apple juice off the
breakfast tray and put it in his bed side stand.
Next time he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing,
well, you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a little later, picked
up the urine bottle and looked at it.
My, it seems we are a little cloudy today.
At this, Old Jim snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.'

The nurse fainted!
Old Jim just smiled!


DON'T MESS WITH 'OLD' PEOPLE!!!!

Just read this thread Maggie and all I can say is

Has anybody watch Off their rockers on Sunday evening ITV 7.30. Its not everybodys taste but I find it hilarious.

I hear that a new show is coming on that teaches you how to read maps and get to places in other counties.