Down the Lane

Now you are really pushing it

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a Policeman writing out a parking ticket.

We went over to him and I said, 'Come on, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an a--hole. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tyres.

So my wife called him a s...-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We weren't too concerned about the vehicle's owner because of the sticker on the back window "I support the (a political) Party".
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

that really made me chuckle

I Forgot My Glasses

Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time in retirement.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favourite topic of conversation in many of our conversations.
She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.
I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said, "Are you nuts? You’re 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of aeroplanes?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
I told her, "I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." She fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it really can be fun...

I love it…

I am a sick old man!

I was sick and in the hospital.
There was one nurse that just drove me crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk to me
Like I was a little child.
She would say in a patronising tone of voice,
'And how are we doing this morning?'
Or 'Are we ready for a bath?', or 'Are we hungry?'
I had had enough of this particular nurse.

One day, at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the
Tray and put it in my bed side locker.
Later, I was given a urine bottle to fill for testing.
So you know where the juice went !
The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine
Bottle and looked at it.
My, it seems we are a little cloudy today. '

At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped
Off the top, and drank it down, saying, 'Well, I'll run it
Through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.'

The nurse fainted...I just smiled.

Lucille decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth £250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!" The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here." "But I didn't go to any of those shows.." "Well, we have them, and you could have." No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But Madam, this cheque is for only £50.00 "That's correct I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me." "But I didn't!" "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"
Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!".
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare.

LOVE AND THE ELDERLY

LOVE......has no boundaries. An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to... send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband text back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

I have just been through this thread and laughed sooooo much I thought I would up it for everyone who is new on here to see.

glad you did Gwen its so good