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Funny ha ha

PostPosted: 25 Feb 2014, 12:50
by Maggie1
When God created
Adam and Eve, He said:
I only have two gifts:
One is the art of peeing standing ...
And then Adam stepped forward and shouted:
ME!, ME!, ME!,
I would love it please ... Lord, please, please!
Look, it will make my life substantially easier.
Eve nodded, and said those things did not matter to her.
Then God gave Adam the gift and he began to shout for joy.
He ran through the garden of Eden and used it to wet all the trees and
bushes, ran down the beach making drawings with his pee in the sand ...
Well, he would not stop showing off.

God and Eve watched the man crazy with happiness and Eve asked God:
What is the other gift? '
God answered:

Eve,..... a brain ... and it is for you ...!

Curtain rods

PostPosted: 02 Mar 2014, 16:13
by Maggie1
He spent the first day following his divorce packing his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of prawns, a jar of caviare, and a bottle of spring-water.
When he had finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten prawn shells dipped in caviare into the hollow of the curtain rods.
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When his ex-wife returned with her new partner, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rats and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off rat poison gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked !!
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinking house. Word got out and eventually even the local estate agents refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-husband called and asked her how things were going.
She told him the saga of the rotting house.
He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and asked if they would be willing to reduce their divorce settlement in exchange for him getting the house.
Knowing he had no idea how bad the smell was, they agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if he were to sign the papers that very day. He agreed and within the hour his solicitors delivered the paperwork.

A week later the ex-wife and her partner stood smiling as they watched the house removals company pack everything to take to their new home.

And just to spite her ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods !!!

Re: Funny ha ha

PostPosted: 10 Mar 2014, 14:47
by Maggie1
Fifty Shades of Grey by Pam Ayres .......

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.

In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left t.t!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!