Terrible joke thread

Jokes, word games, fun thread. NO DIRTY JOKES !
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tiameg
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by tiameg »

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding..
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see..Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and mur.dered the owner.
Older Woman: mur.dered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you mur.dered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too! {rofwl}
I love egg. In fact sometimes I think I'm going to turn into a big giant egg. - Fr Dougal McGuire
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baileysgnasha
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by baileysgnasha »

Heard that before but it makes me chuckle everytime , just what i needed to read after a stressful night and morning. )t'
Andrea- Sunny Clucker fan awaiting her arrival in Kettering,Northamptonshire.
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Panteg Produce
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by Panteg Produce »

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.



Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound note that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.



A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........



The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the mur.der scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.



However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.



Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.



The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...









> You're going to hate me for this...







'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO '

Oh, quit groaning!

I don't write this stuff,

I receive it from my warped friends and then

Send it on to my other warped friends.

{rofwl}
Live a simple life and be happy , Rich.
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Panteg Produce
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by Panteg Produce »

There was an unfortunate eskimo who suffered from the cold.

Eventually his wife issues an ultimatum - get out and get some food or no conjugal rights.

As he is preparing for the trip he has a brainwave, and builds a platform with a fire onto his canoe.

Off he goes to hunt, but soon the effects of the cold force him to light his fire, but unfortunately the fire sets ligh tto the platform and the canoe, condemning the poor eskimo to a cold and watery death.

The moral of the story......




You can't have your kayak and heat it too!

:-D
Live a simple life and be happy , Rich.
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Mad Chick
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by Mad Chick »

I was at a cashpoint yesterday.
A little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
Not being one to disappoint I pushed her over.
Lucy x


Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut - Ernest Hemingway
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p.penn
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by p.penn »

{rofwl}
Helen xx

3 children, 3 grandchildren, 3 chooks, 3 fish, a shrimp that thinks its a prawn and a dappy dog.
http://www.acountrygrandma.blogspot.com
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Mad Chick
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by Mad Chick »

Went round to a friends house today. his wife sat there with their newborn baby. She asked me if I'd like to wind it...
I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

Can you tell I've had a house full of teenage boys today
Lucy x


Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut - Ernest Hemingway
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p.penn
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by p.penn »

Yes )grin2(
Helen xx

3 children, 3 grandchildren, 3 chooks, 3 fish, a shrimp that thinks its a prawn and a dappy dog.
http://www.acountrygrandma.blogspot.com
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madmum
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by madmum »

{rofwl} {rofwl} {cry} {rofwl} {rofwl}
If you always do what you always do ,you will always get what you have always got!
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Panteg Produce
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by Panteg Produce »

Paul Mcartney and his new bride have had their first argument. Apparently she spends twice as much on shoes as his last wife.

{rofwl}

I'll get my coat.
Live a simple life and be happy , Rich.
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paddy graham
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by paddy graham »

Panteg Produce wrote:Paul Mcartney and his new bride have had their first argument. Apparently she spends twice as much on shoes as his last wife.

{rofwl}

I'll get my coat.

{rofwl} {rofwl} Bet he dont tell her to hop to it.
When Irish eyes are smiling,they are usually up to mischief.
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Panteg Produce
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by Panteg Produce »

I fell in the fish freezer at iceland.

I got stuck between a rock and a hard plaice.

:-D
Live a simple life and be happy , Rich.
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Panteg Produce
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by Panteg Produce »

Beware Drink and Driving


I would like to share an experience with you all, to do with
drinking and driving.

Some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way
home............Well I , for one , have done something about it.

The other day I was out for a lunch with friends and having had far
too much wine, I did something I've never done before. I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real
surprise, as I have never driven a bus before..



{rofwl}
Live a simple life and be happy , Rich.
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Panteg Produce
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by Panteg Produce »

My wife phoned me bawling her eyes out earlier. "I've got something to tell you" she cried. I said, "What's wrong? Why are you so upset?" She said, "I've flooded the kitchen." "Bloody hell" I said, "How long have you been crying for?"

)run(
Live a simple life and be happy , Rich.
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paddy graham
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by paddy graham »

)t'
Where have you been PP,not seen any jokes from you for a while?
When Irish eyes are smiling,they are usually up to mischief.
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