Terrible joke thread

[Panteg Produce]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week.
I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably, and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that? - 2:30am!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my trumpet.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .
"ugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know?
He says "The s.ex is the same but the ironing is building up!”

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor. She only had
$1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.
He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow.
I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

[redoak]

[paddy graham]

Brilliant!

[Steve the Gas]

[madmum]

Thanks for cheering me up !!!!!!!

[Mo]

Now they are 'terrible jokes'
Some are decidedly dodgy.
The rest were funny even the one we've seen before.

[Panteg Produce]

THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace

expensive.....so, I took her to a gas station..... And that's how the

fight started....

*****************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Stella for £14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the lager

would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's

how the fight started.

*******************************************************



My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and

I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone

at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed,

'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right

after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been

sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?'

And that's how the fight started.....

***********************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road

and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes

you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,

well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my

car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked

down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And that's how

the fight started.....

***********************************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my

order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He

said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for

herself.' And that's how the fight started.....

[sazchops]

Jerry and Bill were sitting in the lounge of their nursing home when one of the female residents ran past stark naked.
"Was that Doris?" asked Jerry.
"I couldn't be too sure," replied Bill," My eyesight's not so good these days"
"Neither is mine," agreed Jerry. "What do you think she was wearing?"
"I don't know," said Bill," But it needed ironing."

[Panteg Produce]

[sazchops]

A middle aged woman accompanied her husband on his annual medical check up. Afterwards the doctor took her to 1 side and said, " I'm afraid I have some bad news. Unless you follow a strict routine, your husband will die. Every morning, you must give him a good healthy breakfast and in the evening you must cook him a nutritional meal. You mustn't burden him with any household chores, you must keep the house spotless and tend to his every need. I reaslise this will mean extra work for you but this is the only way to keep him alive,"
On their way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said to her. " Oh," she replied. " He said you are going to die!"

[sazchops]

A ninety-one year old man went into a pharmacy and asked for banned.word tablets, which he wanted cut into quarters. The pharmacist said, " Sure I can do that for you, but you do realize that a quarter tablet won't give you a full erection?"
The old man replied," I'm ninety-one. I'm too old for that game. I just want to stick it out far enough so that I don't pee on my slippers."

[sazchops]

Sorry I bought my mum a Senior Joke book for Christmas, ( she turned 70 last week )

[paddy graham]

A ninety-one year old man went into a pharmacy and asked for banned.word tablets, which he wanted cut into quarters. The pharmacist said, " Sure I can do that for you, but you do realize that a quarter tablet won't give you a full erection?"
The old man replied," I'm ninety-one. I'm too old for that game. I just want to stick it out far enough so that I don't pee on my slippers."

[Panteg Produce]

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in the snow-bound UK


Were listening to the radio during breakfast.They heard the announcer say, "We


are going to have 16 to 20 cm of snow today.You must park your car on the


even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through."So the


good wife went out and moved her car.A week later while they are eating


breakfast again,The radio announcer said, "We are expecting 20 to 24 cm of snow


today.You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street,So the snow


ploughs can get through."The good wife went out and moved her car again.The next

week they are again having breakfast, when the radio Announcer says, "We are


expecting 24 to 28 cm of snow today.You must park...."Then the electric power


went out.The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her faceShe


said, " I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on


so the snow ploughs can get through?"Then with the love and understanding in his


voice that all men exhibit when they have been married for a while, the husband


replied,"Why don't you just leave the ******* car in the garage this time."

[Steve the Gas]