Terrible joke thread

Jokes, word games, fun thread. NO DIRTY JOKES !
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HappyBob
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by HappyBob »

Haha top drawer Maggie, I,m nicking that one for next time down the pub :-D :-D
Dont ever grow up, its a trap
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HappyBob
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by HappyBob »

I bought my wife one of them mood rings last week as she has massive mood swings.

What we have discovered is that if she is in a good mood the stone turns green, but if she,s in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on my forehead..
Dont ever grow up, its a trap
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redoak
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by redoak »

{rofwl} {rofwl}
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LittleBrownFrog
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by LittleBrownFrog »

I used to have a mood ring, but it got stolen - I'm not sure how I feel about that :?
"Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder..." Thoreau.
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redoak
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by redoak »

"You're a typical hen-pecked, spineless husband!" the drinker told Bill.
"You wouldn't have the guts to say that if my missus was here!" replied Bill :-D
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Panteg Produce
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by Panteg Produce »

Old ones, new ones, neglected ones


Smile for the day!!!
>
>
>
> The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off
> with a
> Vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
>
> ----oOo----
>
> Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."
> "Really, .." says
> Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
>
> ----oOo----
>
> The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare
> for the
> worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her
> clothes back.
>
> ----oOo----
>
> A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake
> fluid.
> When I quizzed him on it, he reckoned he could stop any
> time.
>
> ---oOo----
>
> I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a
> grave. As I
> was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about
> with a
>
> coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with
> it. I
> thought to myself, they've lost the plot .....
>
> ----oOo----
>
> My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I
> went to
> our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow this," I
> thought, "I can get
> one cheaper off the web."
>
> ----oOo----
>
> Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
>
> ----oOo----
>
> I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked
> if I
> could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
>
> ----oOo----
>
> I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a
> good Korea move.
>
> ----oOo----
>
> I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up.
> The driver
> was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I
> thought to
> myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."
>
> ----oOo----
>
> On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English
> speaking Doctor'
> I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our
> country?'
>
>
:-D
Live a simple life and be happy , Rich.
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LittleBrownFrog
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by LittleBrownFrog »

)t' Nice mixture of {rofwl} )loo( and )app(
"Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder..." Thoreau.
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HappyBob
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by HappyBob »

I got a visit from the ghost of Gloria Gaynor last night

At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.....
Dont ever grow up, its a trap
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redoak
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by redoak »

{rofwl} {rofwl} {rofwl}
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Don Roberto
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by Don Roberto »

God says to Jesus, "come on son let's have a day off together, what would you like to do ? Jesus ponders for a while, and suggests a game of golf. God, who secretly hates golf, because he is no good at it, smiles a fatherly smile and says " what a lovely idea, let's go.
On arrival at the golf course, Jesus gets his top of the range carbon fibre shafted clubs out of the car and hands them to his caddy, who ushers Jesus into an electric golf cart and they head off to the first tee. God meanwhile, gets his ratty old wood handled clubs and shoulders his bag and also heads for the first tee. On arrival, god is hot, tired and generally out of sorts, he watches Jesus square up, and with a perfect swing sends the ball screaming down the fairway to bounce once on the green and trickle to within a foot of the hole. God shuffles into position and takes an almighty swing, slicing his ball straight into the rough, startling a small dormouse, which jumps up into the air. Meanwhile a passing sparrowhawk sees the dormouse move, and drops like a stone for an easy breakfast. The sparrow hawk strikes his target, and soars back up into the sky, only to realise that he had Gods ball in his talons and let go of it. The ball dropped onto the green bounces once and drops into the hole. Jesus throws his club onto the ground and jumps on it and says bl***y h**l dad it's only a friendly. Cheers me dears....... I'll get my coat.
Treat each new day as if it were your last, because one day you will be right.
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p.penn
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by p.penn »

A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

)grin2(
Helen xx

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Panteg Produce
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by Panteg Produce »

I haven't got a twitter account, I can't see who would be interested in my ramblings. In fact I was discussing this with my pet owl last night, and he was also sceptical. "Tweet? To who?" he said.




:-D
Live a simple life and be happy , Rich.
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HappyBob
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by HappyBob »

After putting on 3 pairs of socks, 6 jumpers, 6 pairs of trousers, 5 woolly hats, 4 scarfs, 2 thick coats and a pair of boots, I waddled outside.
Ten seconds later I was laying face down in the snow and I couldn't move."You're coming with me" said the Primark security guard.
Dont ever grow up, its a trap
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redoak
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by redoak »

{rofwl} {rofwl}
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LittleBrownFrog
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Re: Terrible joke thread

Post by LittleBrownFrog »

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms/hr. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph. 'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
"Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder..." Thoreau.
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