Terrible joke thread

[Maggie1]

3rd sign is looking for them

[Panteg Produce]

You'd better explain then. I thought it was like

The second sign of madness is hairs on the palms of your hands.[/quote]


Suggs is the lead singer of the pop group "Madness"
So if he was coming up your drive it would be the first sign of them.

[Mo]

3rd sign is looking for them

I heard it as 1st sign is looking for them.

[redoak]

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her
glasses and says, "Get lost, ye'll no bring it back!"

[LittleBrownFrog]

[redoak]

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: “This could be interesting.”


A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.

While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, “You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her
here in the Holy Land for £500.00.

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only £500.00?”

The man said, “A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead.”

“I just can’t take that chance.”

[paddy graham]

wise man

[p.penn]

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

[Panteg Produce]

Today I bought a lottery ticket for a Mediterranean Cruise.

It's a rollover from last week

[Steve the Gas]

Ouch

[paddy graham]

[redoak]

The drunk was busy feeding coins into the condom vending machine and laughing as he stuffed the packets into his already bulging pockets.
A young man waiting impatiently behind him asked if he could use the machine.
"No way" replied the drunk. "I'm onto a winning streak here"

[paddy graham]

Bet he was an Irishman called Johnny.

[redoak]

Private Maguire was in charge of the motor pool. The phone rang and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational at that moment.
"We've got 5 trucks, a semi trailer, eight utilities, twelve staff cars and a Rolls Royce that that pompous alcoholic old colonel swans around in."
"Do you know who you're speaking to?" demanded the voice.
"No." replied Private Maguire.
"It's that pompous alcoholic old colonel you referred to."
"Well," said Private Maguire. "Do YOU know who you're talking to?"
"No!" roared the colonel.
"Well, thank God for that." said Private Maguire as he hung up the phone.

[redoak]

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”